Morning Cigarettes

The Twins

When I was younger, I lived next door to two elderly identical twins. One was very kind, the other was very grumpy. The neighborhood kids would come over and we’d play with toys and beat the shit out of each other (kid stuff) in our yard and sometimes we’d have encounters with the twins.

I only ever saw my parents talking to the nice one. He would come outside sometimes and they would talk. Then my parents would go inside and he would go in his house as well. The grumpy one only came outside to yell at us when our toys would roll into their yard. He’d come outside and launch our toys back onto our side while screaming something about his grass and then go back in, slamming the door. Occasionally, the nice one would come out and return the toys and he would be like “Here you go, guys!” and smile. I always thought it was so odd that these twins were so different and as an adult when I would think about them, I’d think, “Woah, they never got married and they fucking lived together into their 60’s? That’s kinda bizarre..”

So, I was talking to my friend about it a few years ago. About how odd it was and how they looked and dressed exactly like but one was mean and one was friendly. She thought it was odd as well and got surprisingly invested and started asking questions. “What were their names?” she asked. “I don’t remember. I think the nice one was like Henry or something.”

“And they dressed alike?”

“Yes!! I don’t know if they shared clothes or what. Always dressed alike though.”

“Did you ever see them together?”

“I can’t remember.”

“Katelyn… Are you sure it wasn’t the same guy?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, they’re identical and they dressed alike and you never saw them together…Are you sure the "mean” one wasn’t the same dude just acting like an asshole because you were fucking up his yard and your parents weren’t around?“

Wait, WUT. "No, dude. They were for sure twins. They even had their own identical twin dogs. The nice one had a nice dog and the mean one had a mean dog. But they also looked alike. The mean one would say his dog would attack us if we went on their yard and…oh my god…”

At this point I’m just staring at the coffee table trying to gather my thoughts as my friend is barreled over laughing. For over twenty years, I had believed that this person had a diabolical twin because he was sometimes in a bad mood. Does this mean I had some sort of sociopathic coping mechanisms as a child? Does this mean I was a dumb child? What the hell does this mean? And now I question every pair of twins I’ve ever met. Are they really twins or am coping with someone’s attitude problem poorly?

There’s no moral here, I just think that this is an element of my life I need to introduce at this juncture. I’ll post a cool picture next or something.

I Saw The Witch and I Hated It

Idk if I should even say there are spoilers because the only spoiler is that you’ll be disappointed. Another spoiler is nothing happens.

So, it opens up with a trial scene. It’s pretty bland but I was like ok, this is probably necessary to the plot or whatever so I’m sure it’ll pick up. Then there’s weird scenes of people covered in blood and someone with a wrinkly ass fucking a tree. It’s kind of short, fast shots like the AHS intro where you can’t really see what’s happening but it’s enough of a visual to gather informational vibes. Kinda spooky. This, in my opinion, is the climax of the movie and it’s the second scene.

Then, the family is forced to move away into a field. I’m assuming the town kicked them out because they’re all incredibly insufferable but they supposedly had to move because the dad was an asshole who thought he knew more about God than everyone else I guess. I think they were just like “find a reason, any reason, this mom has got to go.” It was really, really hard for me to pay attention to anything the dad says because his voice literally sounds like a dog barking and he looks like the guy from Edward Sharpe. He’s kind of a babe, I guess.

The movie is centered around the daughter (I think her name is Thomas Ann maybe, or like, maybe Thomasin? They always say it in shit eating fast British sounding screams so it hard to understand) who just got her period so her parents treat her like shit because they want to get rid of her. Also, she was playing with the baby when the baby got snatched. They think a wolf took it but it was really a witch who ate him, I think. You can’t really tell what’s going on in this movie because the only clear shots you get are long, intense scenes of the dad chopping wood. The dad chops wood about every fifteen minutes and they force you to watch it for stretches of about 5 minutes or so. I would say the combined time of dad wood chopping scenes is about 45 minutes.

The rest of the movie is pretty much watching the mom crying and shrieking and stressing everyone out and the daughter busting her ass doing farm work. I don’t think there’s any shots of the mom acting calm or normal and she gets a LOT of air time. She just screams and cries and says all this shrill ass shit about God. Think Carrie’s mom but way less intimidating and whinier. I was like, girl!! Take a Wellbutrin for Christ’s Sake!! She tells everyone that the baby is going to hell and it’s all Tommy Girl’s fault. Can’t control her two bad ass little kids that keep screaming like banshees and fucking everything up. She screams at Tommy Girl to take her dads clothes off to wash them and shit so Tommy Girl just does it and strips her dad! It was awkward! The biggest annoyance of this movie was absolutely the mother.

Then, there’s the older son who’s probably like 12 or 13. He’s v incest. There’s probably 3 or 4 shots of him contemplating motorboating Tommy Girl. Like, just staring at her ¼ inch of cleavage for 2 minutes straight while she sleeps or gets water. Tommy Girl is naked at the end and I was like, he was wasting his time staring at her nonexistent cleavage when she has an ass like THAT? But he was apparently a boob guy because he meets the witch and she has huge ones and he’s super sprung and freaks out and makes out with her and then she puts her RL Stine Nickelodeon prop hand on his head and does some shit to him that we don’t even see. She returns him to the house naked and the mom, of course, cries and screams fear mongering puritanical bullshit. He starts dying and the two little shits start saying that Tommy Girl is a witch and the mom agrees so they lock all the other kids in the shed after the son dies in the house. I would be like, “Thank god! A vacation from this mom and no one in my fam can eye fuck me out here!” but the kids were pretty bummed about it. I mean, you sleep on hay anyway? Does it matter?

Then the witch comes and the goat kills the dad and then the mom gets her throat slit by the daughter after she breastfeeds a crow (Poe would jack off to that prob) and starts trying to kill Tommy Girl so Tommy Girl decides to get tight with the witch since no one else is alive and all the pets are dead. I could straight up live alone in a field no problem if I had pets and wifi, but she had literally nothing, no snacks, no dogs, so I’d for sure do the same thing. She meets the devil and signs his book and then he tells her to get naked, so I’m sure some sort of lap dance was involved. Kinda hot. Then there’s a witch party in the woods and they all fly away and it’s over.

Nothing scary happened. Nothing informative happened. Just shots of wood getting chopped and the human Visine mom screaming about hell. Watching water exit your faucet and fill your bath tub is more exciting than this movie because at least you’ll know there will be a pay off. I would only go see this movie if you need an excuse to fulfill a popcorn craving. I would compare the tone of this movie to a saltine cracker. I think I reached for my phone about 4 times because I forgot where I was and got so bored. Do what you want though.

5 types women it’s ok to mock:

I am a feminist. I believe that women, if United and working together instead of constantly being pinned against each other, can create beautiful and groundbreaking things. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, for example. These women worked their way to the top together by supporting each other and nothing is cooler than that. Women, with the support of other women, can accomplish anything they want. It’s actually a great idea to take women seriously because we’re sneaky, unpredictable, determined creatures and you never know what we’ll do next. However, there are some women who are IMPOSSIBLE to take seriously and that shit pisses me off because they make the rest of us look bad. Here they are:

Girls who hula hoop at concerts -

This has got to be my number one most hated breed of female to ever exist. I hate “hoopers” (UGH, even calling them that makes me cringe) more than that lady from Westboro Baptist Church. At least that lady can read, and I know she can read because she reads from the bible sometimes on interviews and I’m also pretty sure she runs the website. Girls only hula hoop at concerts because they want the attention of being a really good dancer but they have zero rhythm so they what? Go to the toy section at Walmart and buy a hula hoop, physically carry the hula hoop into the venue, and start “hooping” (UGH) somewhere near the back. She’ll “hoop” (UGH) despite the people around her intentionally trying to ignore her. There’s one super drunk frat guy in a backwards baseball cap and flip flops who’s really into it and gazing at her with rape eyes and nodding his head to the music; everyone else is annoyed that she showed up here and is doing that AGAIN. Fuck those girls. I’m not going to dodge your disgusting plastic circle while I’m standing in line minding my own business trying to re-up my Long Island and you better hope that thing doesn’t touch me. We all took rhythmic gymnastics in grade school, get over it. Ribbon dancing is way cooler - or at least it WAS until Taylor Swift ruined it.

Taylor Swift -

AKA life ruiner. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again and again, until I die or otherwise, Taylor Swift is the shitstain on the ass of America and the sooner we all realize that, the sooner we’ll all be happier as a nation. I used to watch I Love The 80’s on VH1 and I remember watching footage of Americans in the streets burning mountains of disco records when disco went out. I predict that this will happen with Taylor propaganda. People search and block their abusive exes when they join a new social media site. I search and block Taylor Swift. I honestly can’t even stand to see her face. She’s always looking like she just sucked on a lemon or something sour. Maybe that’s what souls taste like. No doubt she sucks those. She sues everyone. And that’s pretty fucking infuriating because she’s worth millions. Her family was wealthy before she even got famous, too. She’s a professional victim in every sense and women need to be seen as more robust than that. Women can be powerful but also know how to chill. In fact, there’s a certain grace in being a good sport about stuff sometimes. Like when you lose at award shows and choose NOT to roll your eyes when there’s a camera in your face or when a couple uses one of your songs in their wedding and you choose to NOT sue for copyright on the YouTube video or when you DON’T ruin the coast of Rhode Island with your asshole ugly mansion. You know, just very basic human decency shit.

“Free Bleeders” -

Free bleeding is a huge trend right now in the UK among activists fighting the tampon tax. They’ll sit on the steps of establishments in white pants and spread their legs showing the period sauce that has seeped out of their birth canal and all over the god damn place and that’s honestly the most unsanitary thing I can ever fathom a woman doing. There are other ways to get your point across. Besides that, it’s not really for a “realistic” cause. Essential basic need things like toilet paper, trash bags, soap, condoms, dog food, three wick candles, leather jackets, etc are all taxed. Everything is taxed. So maybe instead of worrying about the tax, we should protest the outrageous price of the product itself. Just start stealing it, who gives a fuck. But walking around while quarter sized blood clots from your vagina are being pushed through pants fabric like warm oatmeal being squeezed through a cheesecloth is a very unsafe distasteful shock factor that isn’t working.

Blondes -

I never trust blondes. I don’t know what their problem is. I don’t trust blond men either, I won’t even look at them. I like my blonde best friend but I fully believe all other blondes have a lurking sabotage beneath the surface waiting to come out. It’s a complex they have. Listen, do what you want. But I warned you.

Women who use words like “basic” and “slutty” to describe another woman’s actions -

It shows a lack of tolerance, the inability to understand motive, judgment, lack of originality, and all around unneeded negativity. I just want to tell someone to grow up when they bash another woman like that. Like you’ve never just felt like wearing flip flops to the grocery store on a day you’re too tired, or went through a breakup and decided to spread the love for a little while. Who cares. If you don’t like that behavior, then don’t behave that way. Your opinion literally means nothing. If you can’t prove a point without using offensive words or gross descriptive language then you shouldn’t be speaking to begin with.